Hawking into the Void

I just finished reading this book. I highly recommend it regardless of your sexual orientation, history, or preferences. I’m not in a sexual minority—I identify as a hetero serial monogamist, but this pro-polyamory book has a lot of great tips that can be applied to any sexual or romantic relationship regarding setting boundaries, better communication, how to fight fair (yes, there is such a thing as productive and constructive fighting), and treasuring the people in your life. I recommend checking it out at your bookstore or at your library.

I think that generally, relationships work out better when the participants are explicit about what they want out of it rather than relying on assumed social scripts. Unspoken assumptions are a great cause of stress. It’s better to figure out what kind of relationship suits the participants rather than squeezing the relationship into an idealized one-size-fits-all model. I don’t think that’s realistic and so long as it’s all consensual and the participants are happy with it, it’s all legitimate.

Here’s some important concepts in the book:

Sex-positive: “The belief that sex is a healthy force in our lives […] It describes a person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental attitude toward all forms of consensual sexuality.”

Consent: “[A]n active collaboration for the pleasure, benefit, and well-being of all persons concerned. Consent means that everybody involved must agree to whatever activity is proposed and must also feel safe enough that they could decline if they wished. We believe that if you are not free to say “no,” you can’t really say “yes.” We also think it is essential that everyone involved understands the consequences of both responses, which is another way of saying that it’s not acceptable to take advantage of one’s naivete.”

Polyamory (poly): A relationship arrangement where one person has more than one sexual or romantic partner.

Monogamous: A relationship arrangement where one person has one sexual or romantic partner. Dan Savage uses the term “monogamish” for relationships that are mostly monogamous but have rare instances where it isn’t.

Open relationship: “A relationship in which the people involved have some degree of freedom to fuck and/or love people outside the relationship. Hence, an eight-person group marriage may still be either “open” or “closed.”“

Nonjudgmental: “An attitude that is free of irrational or unjustifiable moralizing. “Nonjudgmental” does not mean all-accepting; it means being willing to judge an activity or relationship on the basis of how well it works for the participants and not on some external standard of absolute rightness or wrongness.”

Slut: “A person who celebrates sexuality with an open mind and an open heart.”

Again, I highly recommend this book. No matter where you are in the sexual spectrum, it’s a great read, because it’s easier to assert your desires and boundaries when you have the right terminology.

For everyone in the dating scene, remember:

• Consent is key
• Make sure the relationship is going in a direction that the participants have consented to. Do not manipulate/guilt/etc. a date into an arrangement that they don’t want! 
• Be nonjudgmental towards your dates. If you’ve both behaved ethically but just aren’t compatible with each other, shake hands and move on
• Reveal the kink cards and deal-breakers ASAP, good idea to do it before you have sex
• Be up front about who you are and what you are looking for. Respect your date and the decision that they will make for themselves. Do not bait-and-switch. Don’t try to change someone from poly to mono, or mono to poly without their active consent.
• Practice safer sex and USE BARRIER PROTECTION. Know your boundaries and enforce it, and don’t hesitate to walk out of a situation where your date isn’t respecting your boundaries
• Be sex-positive, and be ethical!